Surprise!

Well, I survived the move, though at times it definitely seemed like I was getting too old for this crap. But I got everything moved and cleaned, on time, within my budget, and lived to whine the tale.

My new place is much smaller, so I still have boxes stacked in my kitchen, preventing me from reaching the stove or sink. However, I can access my fridge, freezer and microwave. In short, I have been living on sandwiches and microwavable meals, eaten off paper plates with plastic cutlery. Sigh. Hopefully this weekend I can unearth my kitchen and do some real cooking.

However, I was surveying myself in the bathroom mirror this morning - the one in my new place is much bigger and there are very few bulges and cellulite nubbles hidden from me - and it looked to me as though I have lost some weight. So I hopped on my bathroom scale for the first time in weeks.

199 pounds. 199! I'm below 200! HOT DIGGETY DOG! 'Cause believe me, I've been eating like a pig. But I am also having to walk several blocks to and from the free parking to my temp job, and I am sure that is helping. Regardless, I am so excited. I'm under 200 pounds at last! HOORAY!!

Update

My thanks to Tiffany for letting me know someone is still paying attention! Heh.

I am stressed to the hilt, trying to find a place and get packed and moved, plus still needing to find permanent work (though I have temp work till end of October). I have been comfort eating and have not dared to step on the scale, let me be candid! I expect I have gained back the weight I lost and added a couple of pounds, but I'm not going to find out for sure till I have some time and energy to do something about it.

But a colleague took photos of me and everyone after my farewell potluck (amazing food; I gorged myself), and the truth is undeniable. I am heavy and I look middle-aged, tired and frumpy. Very motivational in its horrifying way!

So back to the diet soon, I hope. If I can just survive the next couple of weeks!

The Weekly Weigh-In

I weighed myself yesterday morning - 200 pounds, wahoo! At this rate I will be below the 200 pound mark by the time of next week's weigh-in, which will be an awesome feeling.

 

Breather

I am still swimming every day, and still making an effort to eat less and make better food choices. However, I am not going to be blogging quite as much for the next little while, not till I get a job and can breathe freely again. I will try to keep recording the results of my weekly weigh-in, however!

 

I would like to thank Tiffany in particular for her support, which I hugely appreciate. It's good to hear from someone else that dieting isn't always easy, and to be encouraged when I am making positive changes. Thank you.

 

I'll be back as soon as I can! In the meantime, wish me luck in finding a new position before my last day of work at my current job, September 18.

 

Back on Track

I have a nasty little migraine, but went swimming after work anyhow (which actually helped). I note that every day I can swim a bit longer, or so it seems, and that I am getting muscle definition already in my triceps...rather to my surprise. Good surprise, though!

I likely won't blog tomorrow morning as I will be getting ready for my interview. My hope is that my migraine will go away overnight and I can bustle around in the morning. If not, well, I'll just have to bustle anyhow! This week is a bit of a grind, I must admit, but at least the events are generally positive.

My mathematical diet is proving to be a bit too light on the fruits & veg at present, but I plan to change that trend. I bought KFC last night (tsk tsk tsk), which won't help either, and I suspect it is the source of my migraine, so that should keep me off it in future. I wouldn't be surprised if one of those 11 secret herbs and spices is actually MSG, to judge by my reaction to it. That'll larn me!

Well, time to go take a cool bath and then try to meditate and visualize my headache away. Also, to drink as much water as I can get down to help flush my system. Talk to you Thursday....

Hasty Pudding

Okay, no pudding involved, but I am posting this in a rush! Sorry for the absence, but my eye exam on Sunday absolutely flattened me (fatigue and headache from the drops to dilate my pupils), and then yesterday by the time I got home from picking up a free sleeping bag after work I was so tired that I ached all over. I pushed myself to do the essentials and then went to bed.

And I didn't swim last night, either. I thought about it, but felt so rotten that I decided it wasn't an excuse, that I really would be better with a night off and some extra sack time. And I do feel better this morning, so - back at it tonight! Along with prep for another interview.

I'm having trouble staying hydrated in this hot weather. I get through water in the evening without much problem, but then I have to make at least one pitstop during the night. I have a water bottle at work but am wondering if I would be better served by a tall water glass, like at home. My water bottle tends to dribble and is a bit of a PITA that way. I welcome any suggestions!

Right, must dash into the shower and get ready for work. Will try to get back to more dietary topics tomorrow....

Hooray for Math!

I am thrilled to report that I am now 203 pounds, having lost 2.5 pounds since last week. And that is after eating a bag of potato chips pretty much every day, and having an enormous lunchtime gorge yesterday of a bacon cheddar cheeseburger PLUS fries with gravy. However, I also went swimming every night after work.

 

Fabulous, dahling! I hope that in two weeks time I will be below 200 pounds again. That would be a really terrific feeling. Go me!

 

Feasting Friday

Today is payday and the women at work are talking about buying lunch somewhere - we used to get sushi but the sushi place has recently shown a trend of higher prices with lower quality food. I'm trying to decide if I want to join them or stick to the path of mathematical dietary virtue.

Decisions, decisions...but the saddlebags on my hips have shrunk a bit and that's a trend I definitely want to continue! Still, I suppose there is always some sort of lower-calorie option to be had. Or I could just swim a few extra lengths tonight. Last night made it four nights in a row.

I expect that I will join them in eating out in any case. The point of switching diets was to enable myself to eat more of what I want without feeling guilty, and I love being able to have a bag of chips if I get a craving. But tomorrow will tell the true tale....

Zonked

Whew...I feel like I need a vacation! I had my interview yesterday for a very interesting position, and although I always second-guess myself after an interview, I think it went well. Maybe not well enough to get me the job, since I am not a perfectly qualified candidate - but they knew that when they invited me in. So we shall see.

 

Anyhow, this is to explain my lack of posting in the past day or so. Yesterday morning I was studying up for my interview (I tried to do so the night before but my brain was soggy and wouldn't hold more), and then yesterday when I got home, I swam, made dinner, and while I was cooking the adrenalin crash hit and I almost went to bed at 7:30. I did doze on the couch a bit!

 

Progress so far on the Mathematical Diet: I'm eating mostly what I want but trying to keep a good intake of fruits and vegetables. And I have gone for a swim after work every day so far this week. I'm not going to call it a milestone this time, because that seems like tempting fate after what happened last time I called it that! But I am feeling quite proud of myself, even so.

 

I guess we'll see how good my math is on Saturday, when I step on the scale! Wish I could sleep till then, though. You'd think our bodies would deal better with the aftermath of adrenalin.

 

Well, THAT Was Special

I definitely had a case of "too much fiber" cramping last night. I was able to sleep with the help of peppermint tea, but am still feeling a) tired, b) distended and c) unwilling to eat my vegetables today, even though I baked up a pan of them, thereby softening up that pesky fiber and putting it into a form that won't cause me agony later.

 

I could risk eating my veggies for lunch anyhow, except that I have an interview tomorrow (hooray!) and really don't want my digestive tract being *ahem* troublesome. I expect I will freeze my baked veggies tonight for use later.

 

More sadly, I also roasted garlic last night, but was feeling too terrible to eat it by the time it was done. I will turn it into garlic mash and freeze it tonight as well (possibly while wearing rubber gloves, so that I don't go into my interview tomorrow smelling like an Italian deli). I'm thinking that a roasted garlic and apple compote would be a mighty fine thing over roasted pork, for some weekend experimental cooking. Hm, and maybe a soupcon of sage, too.

 

Now, whatever shall I wear to my interview tomorrow, since I felt like such a dork in my blue silk tent of a skirt last time? Decisions, decisions....

 

 

Better Than Expected

I made my breakfast and lunch this morning, both the same - a tubful of salad comprised of Granny Smith apple, celery and carrot, with cheddar and mozzarella grated over top, then the whole thing heated in the microwave to bubble the cheese and warm the salad a bit. Tasty and very fiber-filled. The breakfast didn't last me till lunch, so I had a bag of chips and then, since the chips weren't tiding me over either, a raisin bran muffin from the cafeteria. The muffin tided me over very nicely, till I finally decided I had better eat my lunch, well after 1 pm.

Came home, heated the oven and put some chicken in to bake, then went for a swim to burn off some aggravation about other matters. I am now pretty hungry, and my stomach feels hollow, but I'm not sure if that's from stress cramps (or possibly "too much fiber" cramps) earlier or if I am genuinely hungry. Still a bit crampy. Oh well. Live and learn! I should've baked the salad last night, but I was being lazy. I tolerate cooked fiber much better.

And the chicken smells great. I seasoned it with sea salt and Herbes de Provence. Perhaps I will use my last few dregs of energy to prep a salad for baking for tomorrow, to take with leftover chicken drumsticks. Yum.

Monday Math

I've decided to start trying the "Mathematical Diet," which boils down to more calories out than in equals weight loss. I do want to continue eating fresh fruit and vegetables, but portion control just wasn't working for me.

So today it begins. I know that I am tired after a poor night's sleep, so am unlikely to exercise after work. That means I should eat less and maybe get in a walk at lunchtime. I did that a couple of times last week and enjoyed it.

I guess we'll see on Saturday whether or not it is working! But no doubt I will find myself coming up with some great excuses to eat more and exercise less. Reminder to self: the calories don't care what your excuse is. The calories don't care what your excuse is. The calories don't care what your excuse is...it's all about the math....

Oh Yes...

...Forgot to mention today's weight. 205.5 pounds. Though I have no great faith in my scale, since I have to adjust it every darn time I want to step on, to zero it again. Anyhow, half a pound gain isn't too bad, considering...but it's still the wrong direction!

 

All Roads Lead To Rome

I was watching an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer last night called "Once More With Feeling." In it, a demon visits the city who is an exceedingly good dancer (in real life, the actor was in the show The Wiz, for a start). I can never watch great dancing without itching to start dancing again myself, and I've been playing with the idea of getting back into adult ballet - if the PITA factor doesn't defeat me.

 

Anyhow, I realized that portion counting drives me right round the bend. I want to keep trying to eat lots more fruit and vegetables, because I have noticed the benefits of doing so. But I don't want to keep cutting myself off from eating delicious food when I am hungry just because I have run out of portions. And I also want to be able to eat pizza and fried chicken once in awhile without feeling that I am a bad person who is doomed to be overweight forever.

 

The basic math of a diet says that to lose weight, you need to burn off more calories than you take in. That is true for any diet ever - hence my blog title about all roads leading to Rome. I think I am going to start with that premise this weekend, that I want to have a diet that is reasonably healthy but that my weight loss will come from the math, not from counting my portions. Maybe that approach will work better for me.

 

I'm not actually averse to exercise, but to the PITA factor (can't walk in the sunshine because I will get burned and heat-rashy, can't swim in the rain because I'll freeze, can't do a full ballet workout in my apartment because I can't jump up and down on my floor without bothering the neighbours, etc.). So what I need to remove is the PITA barrier to exercise. It wouldn't hurt to find a really good motivation, either! That one is a bit tougher, but there must be an answer...and I will look for it this weekend.

 

The Questing Beast

If you've ever read T. H. White's charming book, The Sword in the Stone, you may recall the character of the Questing Beast, whose sole purpose in life was to give King Pellinore a creature to hunt. Pellinore loved the chase, but didn't ever catch the Beast, and when Pellinore took a break to go "mollocking about in feather beds," the Beast pined away with loneliness till Pellinore found it and nursed it back to health so they could continue questing together.

I was reminded of that this week, reading my horoscope from Rob Breszny at Free Will Astrology. In part, he wrote, "Remember my promises: Life has been and will continue to be conspiring to get you settled in your ideal home base, supercharge your relationships with your closest allies, and connect you with the resources that will fuel your long-term quest." I am something of a Pellinore myself, and every so often I have to stop and make sure I am still questing after the right Beast.

That is my plan for this weekend. I am feeling somewhat stalled on all fronts of the work in progress that is my life, and I need to stop and reevaluate where I am going and what I am doing. Sometimes when I do this, I discover that the Beast has cunningly walked up the streambed for half a mile and is now off in a different direction. I think that may have happened to me again. If it is this hard for me to diet and exercise, even though I've been trying to get into the habit of this for over a month, then I cannot be on the right path.

I'm going to eat what I want to today, though it won't include pizza! I just want a day to enjoy my food instead of grimly chewing it down. And tomorrow I will start working on rethinking my diet and exercise...and life...plan, while I listen for the sound of the Beast.

Frag The Diet

No, I'm not going off the diet forever...just for today. I had a burst of rebellion this morning against making yet another boring breakfast and lunch, all the fiddly vegetable chopping and portion counting and all the rest. So I had a ham sandwich for breakfast and bought my lunch - TWO pieces of cheese pizza from the cafeteria. Not overly yummy, but at least it wasn't yet another round of bleeping blankety-blank rabbit food.

 

I've been on this diet for over a month and I think I've only managed to stick strictly to it one day out of all that time. I am eating better food, to be sure, but I am tired of feeling like a daily failure because I eat more than I should and don't seem to exercise. Nor am I enjoying my food the way I used to. So I am taking a break for today and maybe tomorrow, and then this weekend I am going to plan a new approach. I know I need to do this, but I am fed up with struggling to no effect.

 

Thanks, Tiffany, for your suggestion of a juice fast. Maybe a couple of days of that would be a good start.

 

Cleanse

I subscribe to Gwyneth Paltrow's newsletter, GOOP - not so much for what it recommends, as that is generally outside my budget no matter what it is, but for the glimpse it affords me into how one of the rich and famous thinks. I must admit I think Gwyneth would be a fun person to have as a friend, based on her newsletters, though there is some pretty shrewd marketing going on there as well.

 

Anyhow, the newsletter for today was about a cleansing program. I can't afford the $250 USD or whatever it was to get the program itself, but I looked at the website and I am wondering if I can create my own approximation of it. It is a two shakes and one solid meal a day plan, and there is a manual on what foods to eat and not eat, plus other supplementary activities that will help with the detox process (meditation, exercise, massage, brushing, etc.). And I could do the cleanse I did before, which is more like $30 or $40 Cdn!

 

I do often feel like there must be a lot of clutter (she said politely) in my digestive tract, and certainly my bursts of eating nutritionally poor, high fat, high salt meals can't help either. Maybe to get this diet going, I need some kind of drastic change with a "clean slate" feeling to it. And it would be interesting to see what happens if I completely dropped all the foods the GOOP cleansing program says to drop, like bread and red meat...and coffee. I may be an unrepentant carnivore, but giving up coffee is the one that really makes me want to scream. I can eat fish and chicken instead of beef and pork, but there is NO substitute for my morning coffee. Sigh.

 

Anyone else out there tried a cleanse? Thoughts, recommendations?

 

Rationalization

I did indeed get my period yesterday, and spent the day fighting against my desire to stuff myself with potato chips, pepperoni pizza and massive greasy cheeseburgers. After being well-behaved all day at work, I made myself cheeseburgers for dinner, so that I could control the ingredients but still get my salt and grease fix. Then I had a long hot bath and went to bed.

I must admit that after seeing how many calories I tucked away for dinner, I am rather amazed that I don't weigh 305 lb instead of 205! 4 slices of bread, 2 hamburger patties, 1/2 avocado, mayo (though the half-fat kind), greens, whole grain mustard...and then later on a ham sandwich because I was still hungry and wanted comfort food to eat in bed.

I'm still vaguely crampy today, but I hope to stick to my diet now that the first day of my period is over. At least it is raining out, so I slept like a rock last night and could happily have stayed in bed when my alarm went off. So lovely, sleeping in the cool air...as if I am having a warm bath of sleep. Mmm.

Not sure about exercise today. No walking or swimming, because it is raining, and no yoga because menstruating women aren't supposed to do inverted poses. Pilates, maybe. Or even some gentle stretching. Or - which in my present groggy state seems most likely - another long hot bath and then bed!

I have to admit that I don't know when I should exercise and when I should rest. As someone with a sluggish thyroid, for a long time doing exercise had direct physical consequences, and they were definitely a sign that I should not exercise. My body simply had nothing left to give, because I was under-medicated. But now my meds are properly adjusted. So how do I know when "tired" is "but exercising anyhow will be positive" or when it is "you really do need the rest and recuperation"? I can't get past believing that if I am already tired, what I need is sleep, not a workout.

Domestic

Last night I drove home from work in the rain, and discovered that I felt very domestic. It seemed like an excellent evening to stay in and do cleaning and laundry and meal prep and such. I figured I could do yoga once my dinner had digested a bit. I got the laundry on and ate my remaining food portions for dinner and accomplished a few other things, and then - oops! - I sat down to read for a few minutes while waiting for my laundry timer to go.

 

At that point the residual energy from a project I have been engrossed in at work abruptly all drained out of me and I realized that I was tired to the point of aching, had a mild headache and a few premenstrual cramps, and just wanted to have a hot bath and go to bed. That, once my laundry was dry, I did.

 

I had a really great sleep and will try to do exercise again today. But this is why two nights in a row was a milestone, you see. I get derailed pretty quickly.

 

Still thinking about Tiffany's idea of mini-goals. I think it's a great idea in principle, but am wondering if it will motivate me personally any better. I seem very bad about keeping promises to myself. It's promises to others I keep.

 

Derailed

I admit it, I didn't go swimming yesterday, or eat a particularly balanced diet either. However, I have decided that today I will start over - again! - now that I have rabbit food and similarly revolting foodstuffs in my fridge again.

 

And in the really entertaining way the universe has of forcing you to prove you really want to stay on track with a habit, it has cooled off and become cloudy overnight, so my swimming "habit" will have to become a walking habit if it stays like this. Though I am grateful for the cooler weather. Maybe I can get a good night's sleep tonight.

 

All right - time to see if I can keep my diet and exercise train on the tracks this week - for a change!

 

On Medical Advice

On medical advice, I will not be exercising today. Heh. Seriously, though - it's not that I absolutely can't, but the phlebotomist said when I asked about swimming that the rule is six hours before lifting, exercise, etc., and when I replied that I could take a gentle stroll, she reminded me that it is very hot out today. And it is true that while I am not feeling unwell, I do feel a bit tired and ...I don't know, what's one step below lightheaded? Faintly fuzzy? So I think I would be well-advised to skip the workout today and start again tomorrow.

I forgot to weigh myself before I went, so did it when I got home. 205 pounds, so no change. Oh well. I definitely need to get back in the pool tomorrow! And buy some fresh veggies too. I don't know why, but I get the non-scientific impression that I actually lose more weight if I eat more calories...as long as those calories are in the form of greens.

Anyhow, it was a very interesting trip to the blood donor clinic. Did you know that my type (O neg) is called "the champagne of bloods" because you can give it to trauma victims without having to cross-match first? And it's fairly rare, too, unfortunately for the medical profession. So that's why I am glad to have returned to donating after a fairly lengthy hiatus.

Now I'm going to go and be nice to myself today, taking it easy and eating healthy foods so I can replace the blood I gave away. To me, that actually seems like a better reason to eat nutritious food than just for my own sake. Being the inquisitive type that I am, I can't help but wonder how much the quality of the blood improves based on the donor's eating habits. Will the recipient of my blood get caffeine jitters? If I eat salad instead of cheeseburgers, will it help the recipient recover faster?

A Milestone

I just came back from another swim. Shorter than yesterday's, but that's because I realized once I began that I am sore - I just couldn't tell till now because I wasn't using those muscles! So tell me, class, what would the cure for that be? Show of hands, please....

 

Anyhow, ludicrous as it may seem to someone who exercises regularly, for me to make it to the second day of exercising - on a Friday night, no less - is a milestone. I can't even recall how many times I stopped exercising after only doing it once! Including within the past week, when I went for a walk one day and somehow failed to go again even though it was a lovely restorative jaunt for me that included being accompanied home by a double rainbow.

 

And once again today I had to accept the whinging of my little voice (and I did agree with it that the suntan lotion smelled terrible) and get into the pool anyhow. Maybe that's what proponents of the "just do it" philosophy mean.

 

Tomorrow I give blood, so that will be tricky as I will have a genuine excuse not to exercise. I don't fancy having a rebleed in the water, EUW. And walking on a hot sunny day gives me heatstroke. Well - we shall see. Maybe a short walk or some gentle treading water or walking in the air-conditioned mall instead. Something. Not so much for the benefit as to keep developing the habit.

 

But today I am proud of me for exercising two days in a row - and sticking to my diet all day too. It may be too little too late for my weighing-in tomorrow, but next week will sure show a difference if I keep this up.

 

Now - bring on the weekend!

 

Fabulous Friday

I love that it is Friday and I have lots of creative plans for the weekend. Also that I can wear casual clothes today, AND it's payday, so I can restock on fresh vegetables and bread. I may never be a salad fan but I do enjoy stuffing my sandwiches full of greens.

I'm not even sore to speak of, though I did do a cool-down in the pool before getting out so that may have helped.

Hmm...feels like an awesome day ahead! Filled with healthy choices. Heh.

Score One For Sucking It Up!

I came home from work today and firmly refused to allow myself to be derailed by any of my usual feeble excuses. I put on my swimsuit and went for a swim. It didn't take long for my arms to start feeling it, and I fully expect to be sore tomorrow, which is excellent.

Just as well I didn't keep going till I was exhausted, though, as about twenty minutes of breaststroke has already given me a sunburned face and shoulders. Maybe tomorrow I will ignore even more of my feeble excuses and put on my sunscreen before I hit the pool!

I also managed to stick to my diet today, apart from three pieces of what I call plastic cheese in the afternoon because I was starvelous. I've run out of fresh veggies so I didn't get my usual fiber fix at lunch. Anyhow, chicken is going in the oven soon to bake and I have two baked potatoes (one for tomorrow) that will go in with it, and I will steam myself a nice big pot of something frozen and vegetable-ish to compensate for missing my earlier portions.

But I am so proud of myself for managing to go for a swim. Not because I went for a long time, but because I went at all. I wasn't motivated and I didn't use a lot of willpower...I just kinda went limp on the voice inside my head that tried to talk me out of it. Sort of "yes, I hear you, you're right about my stubbly bikini line and how I hate wearing sunscreen and that my suit probably won't fit me any more" and then I proceeded anyhow.

Strange, that voice. I wonder if I can gag it? I suppose it has my best interests at heart (pardon me for lapsing into new-age-speak), but it's focused on the wrong details. Can I redirect it?

Willpower

I wish I knew the secret to willpower. I think someone took out my willpower module and substituted a won'tpower module - as in, 'I won't stay on my diet', 'I won't eat another salad', 'I won't cook healthy foods instead of grazing on whatever I can find.'

 

And let us not forget 'I won't exercise'. *ahem* No, I didn't exercise on Tuesday and I didn't exercise yesterday, despite some really excellent intentions. The calories don't care about good intentions, either. Stupid calories. I am not looking forward to my moment on the scale on Saturday. Would it be cheating to wait till after I give blood to weigh myself?? ...Just kidding. Between the "good breakfast" beforehand and the snacks after, I don't expect it would help.

 

I am not disputing that I need to suck it up. I'm just wondering where I find suck-it-up-itude. How do I motivate myself to stay thin? Of course, my diet buddy is on vacation this week, so that doesn't help (though I hope she has a lovely time!).

 

If someone found a way to sell willpower, they'd be rich. Or perhaps they have...Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig. Hm.

 

Well, off to make myself a healthy portion-controlled breakfast and lunch...and take all the coins out of my wallet so I can't buy junk food at work when I get bored!

 

Phantom Fat

An interesting article here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31489881/ns/health-womens_health/ on a phenomenon called 'phantom fat'. Me, I'm more likely to suffer from phantom thinness, a condition where you really believe you can still fit into that piece of clothing until you actually try it on.

 

The Amazing Egg

Last night I realized around 9:30 pm (with my 10 pm bedtime looming) that I had no protein ready for breakfast or lunch today. It would take 20 minutes just to heat my oven to roast something, so I looked inside the fridge and hey! Eggs! So I boiled up half a dozen, then plunged them into ice water (to cool them down without getting that gray ring around the yolk) and finally tucked them in the fridge.

Of course, I didn't put them away till after I had eaten the one that was too cracked from cooking to save. Okay, feeble excuse. But ohhhhh, it was so good. I didn't appreciate eggs as much in my earlier years, but they are so rich! As I was inhaling the one last night, I was reminded of the fact that eggs are intended to sustain a new life until it hatches out of the shell, and so the yolk is a very dense source of nutrients...for chickens, anyhow.

I made myself breakfast and lunch while they were cooking, and this morning I just need to slice my portion (two eggs) and add it to my lunchtime salad. If I don't stray off my diet with things like pita chips and profiteroles, I will be nicely on track today. Moving forward!

Interview Eating

Can "interview eating" be considered a category of why we eat the wrong things? I vote Yes. And as you may already have guessed, this is not a random suggestion on my part!

Actually, the interview went quite well. I was not enthused about the job before I went, as it seemed like the same old, same old, and it is another mat leave position, meaning I will be job-hunting again in a year's time. But worse - I felt like a complete dork in my interview clothes.

I purchased an inexpensive outfit at Great Canadian Superstore yesterday (where you can't try things on), since I had no skirts that fit me properly that I could wear with the one blazer that still fits me and my white blouses were all heavy, long-sleeved beasts that would have had me wilting in our sunny weather. So for $51, I acquired a pretty white short-sleeved blouse, a white cami to go underneath it since the blouse was a bit sheer, and a periwinkle blue silk skirt. I thought the skirt would look particularly elegant, despite my avoirdupois, as it had some very large pleats that I expected would make it hang gracefully under a blazer and look somewhat tailored.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. The pleats made it balloon out so that I looked about 30 pounds fatter than I am, not to mention that it simply hung wrongly, as if I have no clue how to dress myself. And - special bonus! - almost every time I washed my hands I managed to splash a few drops of water on the skirt. The silk skirt. Ayup. Polyester could care less if it gets wet. Silk is not so forgiving.

The good news is, once I put my blazer over top, the skirt was forced to lie down in submission, and the dried water spots weren't particularly evident in its folds. Of course, I could have done without the center seam of my pantyhose bursting open when I bent over, but that didn't show either. Rule #1 of being interviewed - don't act like you know there's something wrong with your attire. If you don't look, they won't either. (Of course if you have spilled a huge cup of coffee on yourself or somesuch, you are better off to apologize with a joke and then quickly move on.)

Even better news, the interview went well! I actually changed my mind about the job. Very nice bosses, and the work would have lots of variety and new things to learn. I have sent my follow-up emails and now just have to hold my breath for two weeks! It did go very well, but you never know who your competition is. True, they can't beat perfection (joking...) but maybe someone came in without water spots on their skirt!

Anyhow, I subsequently returned to the office. I had had a snack before I left, since a growling tummy can be most embarrassing in an interview, and had to choke down salad greens and chicken breast for lunch. After that, the adrenalin crash really caught up with me, and I felt distinctly wilted. So I ate a bag of salt and vinegar pita chips, mostly because the vending machine was sold out of potato chips. Baked Lays my fat arse. They're like eating soy cheese, a product so disgusting in flavour and texture that you would really rather go without.

Then I went to a colleague's birthday celebration, where mini-profiteroles were on offer. Oh my goat. I ate one that was covered in white chocolate, thinking it was like a Timbit, and it had the most delectable coffee-cream filling you can imagine. I wanted to eat the entire platter. I stopped at one, but I have to admit that was because I was afraid the filling was real cream and I would be sprinting to the Ladies later. Diarrhea trumps willpower every time.

But now what the heck do I eat for dinner? I think I have used up all my protein, carbs, fat and dairy portions for the day (plus 10% bonus calories for junk food). I suppose I will need to add in exercise if I want to have a hope of losing any weight this week, since eating salad mixed with salad and topped with salad is like...eating Baked Lays.

I will do better tomorrow, though. I must.

Hectic

I have had a very busy weekend and have fallen behind on my blogging. My bad!

However, I did find time to weigh myself yesterday. 205 pounds. Sigh. Note to self: the calories don't care what your excuse is for eating that.

The good news is, I went walking for an hour in the rain last night. It was a wonderfully destressing walk, filled with beautiful greenery and delightful fragrances. I'll go again tonight if it clouds over. I have a job interview tomorrow, though, and don't want to show up all sunburned and covered in heat rash.

Well, off to iron my blouse, polish my shoes, etc. And this week I will observe my diet more strictly...because I don't want my scale going in the wrong direction again next Saturday.

The Reason Rabbits Have Short Lives

...Is that they eat rabbit food every day. Gahhhhh. How can people stand to eat a daily salad? It doesn't matter how I dress it or what tasty tidbits I add; I still have to gag down my leafy greens every time. I think I am going to have to start inventing my own lettuce-free salads.

 

Yes, Well

I know better than to buy popcorn, because if it is at home I will eat it. So what did I do Sunday? Buy popcorn. What have I done every day since? Eat popcorn. *smacks self on forehead*

 

Other than that, though, yesterday went well. I stuck to my diet, though I didn't quite get in all my veg, and I did some bustling around cleaning and tidying after work. It may not sound like much exercise, but it has to be better than being an Olympic-calibre couch potato. But Saturday, when I weigh myself, will tell me how well I really did.

 

I have been toying with the idea of losing this weight to be more attractive to men (another version of the AQ: Attractiveness Quotient). Raising my AQ for this reason, however, does beg the question as to whether or not I want to attract men to me in the first place. Having an actual target in mind does make it easier, I concede - that whole "I want to look great naked" motivation! But there is no one at present and I am focused on other goals. Losing weight does fit in with those other goals, of course. But I still remember taking up cross-country running in Grade 12 and being able to run 3 miles at lunch, returning to school still ready to roll. I did it because the guy I had a huge crush on, who went to a different school, also ran, and I wanted to be able to join him somehow, some way, eeeeever so casually, next time I got a chance.

 

Never happened, of course. But I was So Fit. I have never been that fit before or since. I still think about taking up running again, even now, but I need to find a good trail first. No running on concrete and asphalt for me, thanks.

 

Neeed Sleeeeeep

I slept badly last night (worrying) and am quite tired this morning. I suspect that means my willpower will be lower than usual - it seems easy to justify a "treat" for my poor fatigued body! I did well yesterday, though, or at least in a sense I did, since I didn't get down all my dairy or vegetables. I did do a nice whack of brisk cleaning. So maybe 7 out of 10 for healthy eating (popcorn in the evening, tsk, and I suspect I went over on protein), but 9 out of 10 for calories out versus calories in.

 

Good coffee is definitely helping, though! Never mind what the diet gurus say about giving up coffee; they will prise my coffee cup from my cold, dead fingers. Especially on a day like today. Caffeine is not a substitute for sleep but it can provide the feeling that one has had an hour or two more sleep than one actually has.

 

Anyhow, weight loss ties in nicely with my long-term goals, but also with my short-term ones. I am job-hunting and my interview suits are distinctly snug. That will change as time goes on, which is all to the good. I hope to find a permanent position but may end up taking another maternity leave coverage position to keep my foot in the door. Regardless, I want to present a more svelte figure at work. Fair or not, we are judged by our appearance, which I know personally from my time on the skinny side of the fence. I need to boost my AQ - Appearance Quotient!

 

Right, time to get going with a sleepy but caffeinated day at work. Willpower...must use willpower....

 

Starting Again

I did almost everything wrong last week as far as my diet went - eating the wrong foods, eating too much food, not getting in my fruits and veggies every day, and just to top it all off I didn't exercise once. Tsk tsk.

 

However, by trying to moderate my food intake somewhat, I still managed to lose a pound. Down to 204 pounds, which still isn't slim by any stretch but feels better than 208!

 

So I have decided that this week becomes my "do-over". I am starting again with every intention of eating the right foods in the right amount, and abstaining from the wrong foods. And yes, getting in some exercise, too! I am determined to feel better this week.

 

I did realize this weekend that I was feeling rather thyroid-ish, so much of the problem may have been due to reducing my coffee intake, since caffeine is a thyroid stimulant. I bought more coffee yesterday, and my fingers are crossed! I am happily drinking a mug of it right now. I will spare you the details but it's amazing how many things go wrong in your body when your thyroid levels are low. In fact, that was what clued me in, having so many different kinds of unwellness going on at once. And that includes the depression.

 

So! Gird the loins and fortify the metaphors, world, because it's upwards and onwards - or should that be downwards and onwards?! - for Laura On A Diet.

 

Puzzled

Last week I felt confident and happy, ready to get out into the world and kick some tush. But somehow, over the weekend, I fell with a crash, and now I am struggling to get back into that space.

 

You know what that means, don't you? I also fell off my diet with a crash. Well, not as badly as I might have, but I did eat pizza. Twice. And overindulge in protein and underindulge in fruits and veggies. And I haven't been able to convince myself to go out and exercise. And I'm not sleeping very well, either. And get this - I don't even feel like eating at all most of the time.

 

The thing that has me puzzled is, I don't know why. Is it the job-hunt and its appellate fear of being unemployed and broke? But I've been asked to come in for an interview, which should surely have lifted my spirits. I wonder if it is something physical. I remember becoming very depressed from eating wheat, back when I had a wheat intolerance. I thought the intolerance was gone, but it will do me no harm to try cutting it out of my diet for a few days. I did have a very strong intolerance reaction to one pizza and I don't know to what, and I'm sure that didn't help matters.

 

I've spent the past few years slowly coming closer and closer to happiness, taking the steps necessary to feel relaxed and content in my life. I recognize the difference between "I want to fix this" and "I'm depressed and can't be bothered." I am presently in the second state. But I refuse to stay in it!

 

And being overweight makes me feel depressed too. So even though I would rather eat whatever comes to hand when hunger forces me to shove something down to shut my body up, I will do my best to persevere with my diet. Quite apart from anything else I am sure I need the vitamins! Gotta get those B vitamins in to help lift my mood.

 

I knew I indulged in stress eating and comfort eating before. Now I think I must add a third category, that of depressed eating. Do other people eat that way too? Somebody out there must. I can't be the only one on the planet.

 

Perception

Am I the only one who looks at herself in the mirror, and thinks she looks thinner one day and then the next that she looks fatter than ever? Am I really fluctuating that much - due to dehydration, say - or is this just a milder form of body distortion?

 

This is why I refuse to keep hopping on and off the scales. I remember back in Calgary, one time, I weighed myself one night, went to sleep, got up and peed - and had gained two pounds. That seems physically impossible. Nonetheless, that is why I weigh myself once a week on Saturday. This can't be done moment to moment. I would go nuts.

 

A Sluggish Weekend

Well, it is 4 pm on a Sunday afternoon, and so far the only thing I have accomplished this weekend out of all my virtuous plans is to buy some essential groceries. However, you will no doubt be pleased to hear that I have made considerable advancements in my FaceBook games. Sigh.

I wonder if my swimming suit still fits me? Probably in the same sausage-skin way as the rest of my wardrobe. But I can stay wrapped in a towel till I'm in the pool, and trust that the wavering effect of the water will camouflage the worst of the failure to cover all my fat.

I'm trying not to beat myself up over this. I'm usually wound pretty tightly, and that is still true at present. I was feeling relaxed until a colleague pointed out the increasing scarcity of jobs to me. I don't dispute that, but I was working on it. However, she said I should take any job I could get at whatever hourly rate to stay in my organization, as a foot in the door. I felt that this would leave me unable to pay my rent, given that the best job opening I saw was $4.50 less per hour than I make now. This is the kind of thing that makes me want to gorge myself on Church's Chicken.

Anyhow, I have had a rather escapist weekend, trying to avoid feelings of screaming panic. Thinking that I may become poor and unable to afford food tends to make me want to stockpile groceries and eat everything in sight, just to prove to myself that I can still afford to eat! But I hope that returning to the focus and discipline of my project at work will also help me maintain focus and discipline with regard to finding a new position in the fall.

I will cope, never fear. I am just trying to cope without using food for comfort.

Doin' The Happy Dance

I just weighed myself for the first time since last week, because I promised myself I would not start obsessing about my weight every time I ate something verboten.

205 pounds. Yes! I've lost three pounds! I RAWWWWWWWK!

...And, having just whipped out my measuring tape, I will bravely - no I won't, I was typing those words and I completely chickened out! I am still horrified at the size of my "apple." However, I will post this: I measured 7 points where I notice fat tends to hang out, smoking crack or whatever it is fat does when chillin' with its homies. There has been some change:

Cup: one inch less, though that may simply be due to getting my period (ladies, you know what I'm talking about...)
Chest band: half an inch less
Waist: no change
Belly: inch and a half less
Bum: no change
Top of thigh: one inch less
Right bicep: no change

I also noticed that I cramped far less this menstrual cycle. I doubt that's connected to weight loss but it may well have been affected by eating a better diet.

It would also be great if I could eliminate the slight swelling in my ankles I get from time to time - is it water retention, is it from wearing heels, is it from sitting too long? All of the above, perhaps. I did consume more salt around the beginning of my cycle, but I've also been sitting for extended periods at my desk as I work on a very absorbing project.

As a sidenote, we know that mental exertion burns calories and can make you tired, and I have certainly come home from work tired in a good way every night this week. Mind you, I have also done some form of exercise every day, but the fatigue doesn't feel muscular. I would have guessed I'd only lose about two pounds this week, so perhaps I did burn off some calories through focusing very hard on the task at hand.

My diet buddy and I sat out on the patio at work yesterday to eat our lunch, and she and I both agreed that eating less meat is the hardest part about losing weight. I did have what I called a "moral victory" Thursday night, when I stopped eating my pork butt steak partway through and put it away, but it's tough for carnivores like us to cut back on eating our natural prey. I've had vegans tell me that if I had to slaughter my own animals, I would stop eating meat, and they are so wrong.

However, if I have to eat less protein in order to lose weight, so be it. I can't argue with the clear message conveyed by my weight gain: too many calories going in and not enough being burned off. I'm finding that I am not as hungry as I was when I began the diet, but I still get cravings. At least now I can recite my new mantra to myself: Three pounds. Three pounds. Three pounds....